Scary Movie 5 (2013)

ScaryMovie5.jpgSave yourselves! I suffered so you didn't have to!

Happily-married couple Dan and Jody begin to notice some bizarre activity once they bring their newborn baby Aiden home from the hospital. But when the chaos expands into Jody's job as a ballet dancer and Dan's career as an Ape researcher, they realize their family is being stalked by a nefarious demon. Together, with the advice of certified experts and the aid of numerous cameras, they must figure out how to get rid of it before it's too late.

Webster's Dictionary deserve a call, because there is now a new definition that can be used for laziness: Scary Movie 5.

The film opens with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan making their cameo, but their talk about sex tapes and court hearings leads you to wonder whether this is actually a real tape that's been mistakenly cut into the film. The two actors who've shown their acting talent previously in their career are reduced to cheap gags and an overlong sex scene with the Benny Hill theme playing over it, for added "wackiness". Snoop Dog Lion doesn't fare much better, as he's reduced to rattling off horror names and living up to a poorly sketched gangster stereotype.

It really is a struggle to class this film as a comedy, as nothing appears that even vaguely resembles comedic merit. Instead, we get film references, gross out gags, toilet humor that makes A Haunted House look sophisticated and slapstick, in the form of abuse to children, babies and balls. The worst thing about this, other than it not being funny, is that these jokes don't even seem like somebody tried to make them funny, but more like screenwriter Pat Proft lazily putting in what made his toddler laugh. It's also pretty astonishing how many things get stuck up butts in this film.

"HELP! Charlie Sheen's got me!"

The most this film tries is in its attempts to keep in date references, giving a lot of screentime to parodying Mama, the basic things that were in the trailers for Evil Dead and Paranormal Activity 4, and why The Cabin In The Woods gets namechecked so much. But even though it references films that were released not too long ago, the references still manage to feel dated.

Throughout the 86 minute runtime, you will beg for this film to be merciful and grant you at least one thing that can be considered a joke. Just one, to showcase that this film can actually be considered a comedy, but it cruelly never comes, making the short runtime seem as long as The Godfather trilogy. But if there is one consolation in watching Scary Movie 5, it's that the films of 2013 cannot get any worse than this.