Keith Lemon: The Film (2012)

A topless man, with a lemon branded phone poking above the waistband of his jeans.A Lemon you don't want life to give you

Director: Paul Angunawela
Running Time: 85 Minutes
Starring: Leigh Francis, Kelly Brook, Laura Aikman, Kevin Bishop, Verne Troyer

From the first image that appears onscreen, you know all that you need to know about this film, but an image of the title characters face as he reaches orgasm will do that.

Keith Lemon (Francis) goes to London to sell his new invention, which does not go well. While there, an overly friendly man gives Keith (for no good reason) all of his poorly named, but revolutionary mobile phones to sell, which makes him rich.

Paul Angunawela's directorial debut is full of questionable decisions, such as focusing scenes on Lemon's arse, dragging multiple scenes out to and taking time out specifically focus on being needlessly offensive to just about everybody. Homophobia, racism, sexism, sizeist, it's as if Francis and Angunawela had a list of people to offend which they were attempting to complete.

Upon realisation that the star, Leigh Francis, had a handle in writing the script, it becomes all the more apparent why so many female characters seem to have a thing for Lemon, despite a little thing known as common sense. But the poor writing doesn't stop there, with the cause of Lemon's riches not being a revolutionary phone, but the fact that it has a lemon on it. One reporter even questions why such a craze has come out of this, with the response being a pathetic "I don't know".

Nothing is more misleading about this than how it's labelled as a comedy. None of the attempts amount to much more than Lemon mispronouncing things and acting like a moron, with each passing attempt confirming this reviewers suspicions that the canned laughter played over a few scenes is the only genuine laughter this film will generate.

85 minutes I'll never get back

One moment randomly cuts from Lemon about to get beaten up, to a subconscious version of him breaking the fourth wall by talking to the audience. It's a random moment that's proclaimed as an attempt to lighten the mood, but it proves to be more depressing than actually viewing the mugging.

The regular cameos of D list celebrities throughout cannot distract you from the car crash that unfolds before you're eyes. From Jedward to Gary Barlow, every inclusion feels awkwardly inserted and unnecessary, yet doesn't hold a candle to the horrible parodies of the D List celebrities who weren't affordable.

The biggest problem lies with the title character himself, as to spend a single moment with this character is a horrendous experience that should be officially declared an act of torture. It isn't helped by the only attempt to give him anything resembling a personality is by having him be a complete sex pest, making crude gestures and double entendres to "celebrities" while he has a girlfriend back home in Leeds.

The worst of Lemon can be clearly seen after he strikes it rich, as the character decides to leave his pregnant girlfriend to be captive of a villainous character and verbally abuses his mentally challenged friend in front of a crowd, all because he would rather wallow in his large amounts of money and sleep with Kelly Brook. It's moments like this which leaves viewers to wonder why his girlfriend bothers with him, especially after seeing him cheat.

It seems that having the ability to act was not a requirement. From the lead to the cameo appearances, nobody seems to display any real acting talent. But it's not like any of their characters fare much better, as Verne Troyer is more of a plot device than an actual character, while the ridiculous Evil Steve feels like a needless inclusion.

In the 21 years and 9 months I have lived, this reviewer has seen over 800 films. Why did I mention that? So any readers know it's not taken lightly when I label Keith Lemon: The Film as the single worst film I have ever seen. There was no good reason for Leigh Francis' character to come to the big screen, and this pathetic attempt at entertainment is proof of that.