Contrary to some belief, no filmmaker sets out to make a bad film. It's all the more unfortunate when we don't enjoy what we watch, and the final product isn't reflective of the best intentions which went into it.
Let's quickly go through my least favourite films of that same year. It's worth mentioning that this is just an opinion piece from me, and it's wonderful if you got more enjoyment out of these films than I did. Nevertheless, here's my list.
10. Tad the Lost Explorer and the Curse of the Mummy
I'm unfamiliar with this Spanish animated franchise, so entering at the third-film was an experience. This adventure centers around the titular Tad, an explorer whose previous discoveries are kept secret from the wider world. Wishing for recognition from his bullying peers, he takes a new adventure which sees him accidently unleash a mummy's curse on his closest friends. It wants to be Indiana Jones for a child-friendly audience, although there's too few excitement and thrills in this empty adventure for those aspirations.
Available to rent
9. Morbius
In their latest try at making their own cinematic universe, Sony give another feature-film to a Spider-Man villain. This time, the story follows the titular doctor's experiments to cure his rare blood disorder leaving him with a hunger for blood. A film that hits every beat in banal ways, delivers wafer-thin character relationships, while suffering from boring and emotionless lead Jared Leto. A film where studio interference looms large, right up to its non-ending and embarrassing post-credits scenes.
Available on Now
8. Pinocchio
In a year with two adaptations of Pinocchio arriving on streaming services, it's astounding how they're polar opposites. Robert Zemeckis directs this live-action adaptation, utilizing CG to bring alive the more fantastical elements which appear on-screen with a strange accented Tom Hanks phoning in his performance. A film that feels made by an A.I. as it may be nice to look at, although is ultimately hollow and soulless.
Available on Disney+
Described as "the epic conclusion" to this franchise, Colin Trevorrow mixes Jurassic franchises to have Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard rescue a kidnapped clone-girl, while the legacy characters played by Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum commit industrial espionage. For a franchise whose key selling point was dinosaurs, it's astounding this film discards them for drab replacement locusts before tediously playing things safe as the film preys on viewers nostalgia. An empty way to end the franchise.
Available to rent
The ninth instalment into the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise follows on a group of influencers, whose plan to gentrify a Texas ghost town are met by an aging Leatherface. A legacy sequel which feels born from an out-of-touch boomer, doling out genuine contempt for the modern generation while including a crass subplot regarding a school-shooting survivor. Complete with dim lighting, distracting CGI, and a wasted use of Sally Hardesty, this is an embarrassing entry into a troubled franchise.
Available on Netflix
5. Blackbird
Making his leap to the big-screen, Michael Flatley writes, directs, and stars in this spy-thriller. He plays a retired secret agent once known as the Blackbird, whose attempt at escaping his painful past by opening a Caribbean nightclub is interrupted when an old flame appears. What unfolds feels like a twelve-year-old's fanfiction, drawing on well-regarded films to cast himself as the lead that much younger women lust after, and men either admire or get beaten up by. From the fisticuffs to the kissing, and especially Flatley's facial expressions, little feels convincing in this film that's a cross between Casino Royale, Casablanca, and watching paint dry.
Available to rent
4. The Simpsons: Welcome to the Club
Ever since Disney got the rights to the iconic yellow family, The Simpsons have been primarily used as marketing tools for franchises and the streaming service owned by the Mouse. That's once more true with their latest short, as Lisa's hopes to become a Princess are altered when she learns how being a villain may be more fun. It's a four-minute short where villains sing, before suddenly ending without any kind of conclusion. A larger priority is Tom Hiddleston returning to voice empty complaints about being used for marketing, in this soulless waste of time.
Available on Disney+
3. Marmaduke
A film that was originally announced for release in early 2019, this CGI animation comes from Mark A.Z. Dippé (director of many animated Garfield films and 1997's Spawn). The story sees a legendary dog trainer endeavour to transform the titular Great Dane from an undisciplined pet into a World Championship winner. From the off-putting animation to the tired screenplay, and especially the lackluster voice-acting from Pete Davidson, J.K. Simmons, and David Koechner, everything feels created in as cheap and low-effort a way as possible.
Available on Netflix
2. Heckle
After arguing with a heckler at one of his shows, a stand-up comedian spends a Halloween weekend with his friends only to find himself stalked. Stand-up comedy is an area horror doesn't often explore, although maybe that's for the best when it's misunderstood here as spitting childish insults. The story surrounding it is a whodunnit that would stump Benoit Blanc, because it makes no sense. From Steve Guttenberg's disconnected scenes to the lacking tension, this is a grab-bag of ideas thrown together for an incomprehensible package.
Available to rent
Released fifteen-years after The Catherine Tate Show ended, this feature-film centering on Tate's foul-mouthed Nan is an oddity at best and a cinematic clusterfuck at worst. The behind-the-scenes are discussed in this article, leading to this film being released without a credited director as it stumbles through a road-trip which includes a vengeful traffic warden, Nan forcibly committing terrorism, and sudden transitions into the most ugly and cheap-looking animation imaginable. It's astounding this was considered a complete movie deserving of a wide release, and my least-favourite film of 2022.
Available on Now
Disagree/Agree with my choices? Do let me know your thoughts below.
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